[Two women sit drinking champagne on the deck of a yacht at sunset on the French Riviera.]
WOMAN 1: …It really is a beautiful city!
WOMAN 2: Yes, but it’s such a shame. I’ve only been to Venice seven times.
WOMAN 1: Oh you poor, poor thing!
WOMAN 2: I know. I know.
[WOMAN 1 raises up her glass for a toast.]
WOMAN 1: Here’s to greener pastures!
WOMAN 2: Yes! To better fortunes!
[They chink glasses.]
[A meditation INSTRUCTOR sits cross legged in front of two students seated likewise on yoga mats. The instructor plays a small Tibetan singing bowl.]
INSTRUCTOR: …Imagine a lightness in the crown of your head, a white light, that rushes down through you like a leaf being carried in the surge of a gentle river… Feel this white light trickle down to your arms, your fingers, your torso, your legs, your toes… Om… Om… Om… If any thoughts come into your head, just accept them. Don’t push them away. Let them pass through your mind like clouds… Om… Om… Om… You feel completely relaxed. Completely at ease. Completely ready to kill the French Ambassador. Imagine killing him swiftly and mercilessly. Without fear. Without anxiety. Like the cold blooded killer that you are… Om… Om… Om… Now, you are feeling lighter… lighter… lighter… You are becoming more aware of your body… and when you are ready you can open your eyes.
MEDITATOR 1: [SLEEPY] Oh, that was lovely. So peaceful!
MEDITATOR 2: [ROBOTIC] Kill the French Ambassador.
[Two men are sitting in a small bird hide overlooking a dense wide grassland, waiting with anticipation.]
MAN 1: The oriental stork can be incredibly skittish. We must be incredibly quiet.
MAN 2: I understand.
[MAN 1 takes out a pair of binoculars out of a small bag on his lap and becomes intent on focusing them on something in the distance. Meanwhile, MAN 2 pulls out a set of bagpipes out of a large bag and then proceeds to play.
MAN 1: What on Earth are you doing!
[MAN 2 stops playing abruptly.]
MAN 2: Oh sorry, I thought… well, I just… I think there’s been some miscommunication.
MAN 1: Obviously.
[A very, very thin woman, JANE, steps into the entrance of a passenger plane. She stops to show her ticket to an awaiting AIR HOSTESS, who is all smiles.]
JANE: Good evening.
AIR HOSTESS: Good evening! [scrutinising the ticket] Um, Jane Ferguson?
AIR HOSTESS: You’ve bought a ticket for one seat have you?
AIR HOSTESS: I see.
JANE: Is there a problem?
AIR HOSTESS: Well, yes… Considering your… [coughs] size, you ought to have bought half a seat.
JANE: I see.
AIR HOSTESS: This really is a pickle. The woman sitting next to you was forced to buy two seats for her size, when she needed two and a half.
JANE: Oh, no. I’m so sorry! Though, I suppose the problem is, I like to have a little bit of space to move on a long-haul flight.
AIR HOSTESS: Don’t we all! But, let me think… Maybe as an alternative you could lay down along three table trays?
JANE: Those things are awfully flimsy.
AIR HOSTESS: You could sit in the aisle?
JANE: Won’t you need room for the dining carts?
AIR HOSTESS: I’m sure we’ll get around you somehow. Or, how’s this! Maybe if you just keep moving around with us, followed by the carts? It can be like a sort of game! We can offer you food and drink whenever you please…
JANE: Yes, but, the problem there is that I tend not to eat too much.
AIR HOSTESS: Indeed. [her smiles fades] But isn’t that the real problem Jane?
JANE: What do you mean?
AIR HOSTESS: People like you, taking a whole seat when they only need a half because they “don’t eat too much”.
JANE: How long before we arrive in Auckland?
AIR HOSTESS: Twenty-four hours.
[A very, very LARGE WOMAN stumbles onto the plane, flashing her boarding pass and slamming the very, very thin woman against the side of the galley as she passes through, donut stuffed in mouth.]
LARGE WOMAN: Coming THROUGH!
[A tall MAN with a grey feathered trilby hat rides into a small urban town square on the back of a large African ostrich. He rides over to a small group of people, sitting enjoying their coffee outside a cafe.]
MAN: Has anyone seen a tall man with a grey feathered trilby hat and riding a large African ostrich pass this way?
[The customers all look awkwardly at one another.]
WOMAN: I suppose, now I have.
[The ostrich growls disapprovingly.]
MAN: [STERNLY] I’ll repeat, has anyone seen a tall man with a grey feathered trilby hat and riding a large African ostrich pass this way?
WOMAN: Um, no. No, I haven’t seen anything.
MAN: That’s better.
[The man rides out of the square.]
FADE OUT. THE END.
Hey there! This is my first post on Tumblr! Let’s hope it’s the first of many Here you can expect to find my original micro-fiction, micro-scripts and maybe some poetry too. Most of what I will write will be comedy, but I make no promises (as I have been known to be serious from time to time.)
“What’s this?” You might ask. “Two blogs! Sacrilege!”
Well… at least let me explain… please… This Tumblr blog is devoted to creative examples of my writing, while on StuMentha.com you can discover not only the wonder of my creative “genius”, but updates on my writing and productions in general too. Of course, I recommend following both
So, here’s to a brand new blog! Cheers big ears! (seriously, that’s just an Aussie slang thing, no insult intended).
Man: Excuse me, can you please tell me how to get to the train station from here?
Woman: Yes, but I’m afraid it’s about three hours walk slow motion – that way.
Man: What if I walk at a normal pace?
Woman: In that case, it’s about three minutes. You’ll see it on your left.
Man: Thank you.