Bad Eyes

Husband: Where have you been?

Wife: Nowhere.

Husband: Why didn’t you answer your phone?

Wife: I didn’t hear it.

Husband: I can read you like a book.

Wife: You need to get your eyes tested.

Husband: Don’t be a smart arse!

Wife: I’ll make you an appointment.

Husband: Humph…

Wife: You can’t put me down.

One in a Million

Frank: Her eyes are like bright blue emeralds!

Matt: Emeralds are green.

Frank: …and when she smiles, she lights up the room.

Matt: No need for a lightbulb then?

Frank: Matt, I’m serious. I think this is the one.

Matt: You said the exact same thing about the last girl.

Frank: She’s a one in a million.

Matt: Well, the population of the world is seven billion. That means that if she is one in a million, she’s actually one in seven thousand.

Frank: Shut up Matt.

Remote Heist

Oh Sophie! I’m loving this.
Yeah, we’ve got the whole beach to ourselves!
We made the right decision.
Sure it’s a bit cold here in Scotland, but we’ve finally got some alone time.
Who needs Croatia or Greece. The packed beaches, the tourists.
Yeah, too right. Oh, look Greg, what’s this? It’s a message in a bottle!
Wow Soph! What does it say?
It says, “Hands up, this is a heist. Please send your valuables to 787 Maderson Hill Road, East London SE763C or we’ll blow your brains out. If either of you so much as flinch there will be hell.”
We better do what they say.

Under a Ladder

Paddy, what are you doing? The police are on their way. You’re making a scene. Come on, let’s go home okay? The builders need to get back on the job.
Mum always told me, never walk outside of a ladder.
But Paddy, you’ve got it the wrong way round mate.
Yeah, you should never walk under a ladder.
Are you sure?
Oh, well that’s a relief.
[Paddy steps out from under the ladder and is hit on the head by a falling hammer.]

Peanut Butter and Jelly

Peanut butter and jelly? Nah, I don’t like it.
Really? Maybe it’s just an American thing.
It’s two different textures. The sticky warm peanut butter and the wobbly slimy jelly. Yuck.
What do you mean by jelly?
The powdered stuff. Add water.
What’s jello?
I think there’s been a misunderstanding.

You’ve made your bed…

Father: You’ve made your bed, now you’re going to have to lie in it.

Daughter: Why did I have to make it then?

Father: It’s a saying.

Daughter: So next time I shouldn’t make it?

Father: You’ve got yourself into this situation, now you have to deal with it.

Daughter: Right, so it was wrong to make my bed?

Father: Don’t be a smart aleck.

Daughter: I’m not.

Father: You didn’t do your homework because you left it to the last minute, but now it’s eleven at night and you have to go to bed. I’m not letting you off this time.

Daughter: So just checking, I shouldn’t make it next time?

Father: Goodnight.

What ever happened to Cory?

Woman: What ever happened to Cory?
Man: Who?
Woman: Cory, you know, the guy with the dreadlocks.
Man: The hippy guy?
Woman: Wore a sarong most the time.
Man: Yeah, I know the one.
Woman: I haven’t seen him in years!
Man: It’s a tragic story. Cory didn’t like using pesticides in the house. He detested fly spray. Remember? Everything was organic, natural remedies you know.
Woman: Yeah?
Man: He had a problem with ants. We kept telling him, Cory, come on man! Buy some poison… But he didn’t, and things got worse. We said Cory! This is getting out of control. You couldn’t even leave a half eaten peach on the bench top without it being carried away by the little buggers in a black haze. We told him, mate, you’ve gotta call the exterminator.
Woman: So what happened?
Man: A few locals spotted him being carried off in the direction of Bournemouth. Never seen again.
Woman: Well, that is a shame. I liked him.
Man: Yeah, nice guy.