Woman: What ever happened to Cory?
Woman: Cory, you know, the guy with the dreadlocks.
Man: The hippy guy?
Woman: Wore a sarong most the time.
Man: Yeah, I know the one.
Woman: I haven’t seen him in years!
Man: It’s a tragic story. Cory didn’t like using pesticides in the house. He detested fly spray. Remember? Everything was organic, natural remedies you know.
Man: He had a problem with ants. We kept telling him, Cory, come on man! Buy some poison… But he didn’t, and things got worse. We said Cory! This is getting out of control. You couldn’t even leave a half eaten peach on the bench top without it being carried away by the little buggers in a black haze. We told him, mate, you’ve gotta call the exterminator.
Woman: So what happened?
Man: A few locals spotted him being carried off in the direction of Bournemouth. Never seen again.
Woman: Well, that is a shame. I liked him.
Man: Yeah, nice guy.
CHURCH CHOIR HUMMING GENTLY
PRIEST: Julia, do you take this man Marco…
WOMAN: Clive! We’re at a wedding.
PRIEST: Marco Williams to be your loyal husband.
PRIEST: And Marco…
WOMAN: Clive! Stop it!
PRIEST: Do you take this lady to be your wife?
GROOM: Yes I do.
PRIEST: You may now kiss the…
Man: You can’t even have a bath now without people saying, be careful! Watch out for sharks!
Woman: I know! I know! Some idiot falls in a pothole and they sue the council!
Man: You can’t even take photos in the playground anymore of your own kids, without some other parents, saying “Oy! You’re gonna need to photoshop my kids out of that background!”
Man: What is the world coming to!
Woman: Who just only knows!
Man: Who just only knows?
Father: Son, it’s time we had a little chat.
Son: ‘Bout what dad?
Father: Well, it’s just… you’re mother actually asked me to come over today, because she was a little worried about you.
Father: You see… I’m not really sure how to put this, but… well, here goes… In nature there are birds and there are bees…
Father: Yes, when a bird likes a bee very much. I mean, when they get along like a house on fire, they absolutely adore each other’s company, maybe have a few bottles of honey and stamens together, they will feel like they want to express this love together, in a physical way.
Son: Are you serious?
Father: I know it’s difficult to understand, but when a bird likes a bee very much that bird will want to “make love”, we say, to the bee.
Son: But the bee is so much smaller!
Father: Yes, son, sometimes nature is very, very unfair. Sometimes bees make love to birds.
Son: That’s nice to know.
Father: Look, it’s complicated. I don’t expect you to understand right now, but in time…
Son: Aha, I’m twenty-eight dad.
Father: Yes, in time.
April: I’m so glad we’re friends.
Charles: Me too.
April: You know, it’s hard to find male friends who don’t, you know, push things further.
Charles: True friends are like stars, you don’t always see them but you know they’re there.
April: You bin writing greeting cards?
Boy: Mum, I’m bored.
Mum: No, you’re not!
Boy: Yes I am!
Mum: You can do the washing.
Boy: I’m not bored anymore.
New play! Cat Black!
To premiere at the Prague Fringe Festival in late May 2014.
This is a transcript taken from a lecture given by a penguin at Stanford University earlier this year. Unfortunately, although a video was made, it is now lost, suspected to have been stolen by a rogue albatross.
Neuroscience. I know nothing about it. I’m a penguin after all. What am I doing here? I guess… I’m not sure what I’m doing here, seriously. I know nothing about neuroscience. All I know is that… no, actually, I don’t think I know anything at all. I’m a penguin.
You see I was invited here today to talk to you, but… oh dear… I’ve got my notes mixed up. I was going to show you a slideshow.
Look, I said to them quite simply… I said, what on Earth do you want me to give a lecture on neuroscience for? I’m a penguin.
They said, “Well, it’s simple… you can talk can’t you? That’s a rather interesting tidbit isn’t it!” I said, “Yes, but there’s a sealion a couple of hundred metres away that can talk AND knit his own scarves. Beautiful designs, bright colours. He really has his own style. Ought to sell them at the market. Why don’t you have a chat with him?”
They asked, “Why does a sealion need scarves when he has enough blubber to keep him warm already?” And I said, “Yeah right!” Because sealions really do have a lot of blubber, the big fatheads. Not that I would say that to one’s face mind you! “But,” I said, “It gets really cold here in Antarctica. Really cold, I don’t think you realise.”
… very, very, very cold. Just so bloody cold. Yes, but they wouldn’t leave me alone! They said, “We want YOU to give the lecture”, and something about how I was an anomaly. I said, “What? I thought they must be mad! I’m not an anomaly I said!” “Yes you are!” they insisted. “An anomaly?” I asked. “Those things that live in the sea with the long spindly bits that suck up fishes and the like?” They assured me they were talking about something else. “Something else?” I said. “Here you are asking a penguin to give a lecture about neuroscience and you start talking about something else! Priorities people! Priorities! Why don’t you make the trip to one of the islands? Macquarie Island, Heard Island… there’s an albatross there that has built quite an ingenious nest out of a sleeping bag.”
But again… they said, “You must be joking!” I said “I’m not!” I told them! “It gets really freaking cold here!” At which point a polar bear turned up from out of nowhere – talk about camouflage! They do say their fur is translucent! And he’s not even supposed to be in Antarctica! Wrong pole! But anyway… I really should have spotted him earlier. He was wearing one of those furry hats with the ear covers. How he got there I don’t know… but I digress. He agreed with me of course. He said, “He’s right you know, it gets bloody cold here, I’m freezing!”
So anyway, what was I saying? Well… I don’t know really… I’m supposed to give you a lecture but I have no idea what I ought to talk about. Just because I’m a talking penguin wearing mittens doesn’t mean I know anything about neuroscience.
*STUDENT* What did you say?
I’m a talking penguin wearing…
*STUDENT* No, to the polar bear?
I didn’t say anything. I ran. It was a %^&*ing polar bear!
In the pitch black of night, in the middle of the Atlantic, a ship is burning, sinking. The captain is trying to get everyone into lifeboats. There is an explosion. The last men in the last lifeboat yell out to the captain “Come on! We have room!” He turns his back. He’s made his decision.
Accepting this the crew are lowered and safely paddle away, and as the ship resigns into the sea the captain too resigns to his fate. Then, as he is drifting underneath the surface, he feels a shark brush against his leg, and then music, beautiful music like he has never heard before. He snaps out of his reverie and sees that the shark is swimming surrounded by neon jellyfish spiralling around it. They lead the captain into a small rock underwater crevice, he follows them, and is lead into a large crystalline ballroom. A beautiful mermaid kisses air into his lungs, and she says, “Blooobbb blooob blooobbb blooodbbbbb…”
“Sorry” what was that?” replies the captain.
Again the mermaid repeats, “Blooobbb bobobobloo…“
My god she’s beautiful the captain thinks. They dance for a while amid a crowd of sea anemones and merpeople looking on – all nodding their hands and waving their many arms and fins in harmony… in approval. In fact, dancing with a mermaid is a kind of agreement, like seeing a woman’s ankles in the 1800s – you must marry. They say their vowels underneath a giant coral cliff that is covered at it’s top with glowing starfish, that may as well be stars.
That night, they make love upon the sea floor protected by a ring of hammerhead shark. The shimmering of the moon penetrates the water. And then in the morning, the mermaid awakes to find the captain is dead.
It was the most beautiful day of his life, Thank god he went down with his ship.